A Survivor Finds Balance. On a Playground.

It’s been 8 months since I was officially declared to be “in remission” from Hodgkin’s Lymphoma!  Yippee!!!  Awesome!!! Everything is great!!!  Just kidding, it doesn’t quite work like that. So, what does one do with their new health status?  What’s it like to be considered a “cancer survivor”?  I can’t say that I’ve truly had enough time or experience to have much to explain.  I am still in the thick of it all.  I’m a little out of whack. There is so much to sort out, and relive, and work through.  There are new feelings that come up that were never present before.  There is new hair that I have absolutely no idea what to do with.  There’s just A LOT.  All kinds of muck and mess that cannot, and maybe will not ever clear.  It’s the “new normal”.  It’s the daily fear of remission.  It’s the constant reminders of the changes that happened to my body.  Scars all over my abdomen and back from the Bleomycin known as “tiger stripes”.  My brain fog and fatigue.  My port site that is still a little bit sore.  I don’t necessarily dislike these changes, but I don’t really feel super-affectionate about them either.

So what do I do now? Well, with 4 little kids, life has been crazy busy, in a good way!  There have been family trips, countless events and programs, sports, First Communions, birthday parties, you know – a lot of stuff that is really the essence of life as a family with young children.  There have been pool parties, fireworks, beach days, rainy days, good days, bad days, and the most evident occurrence in our life – CHANGE.  That is the one thing that always stays the same, oddly, the presence of “change”.  Some changes appear to be good, some are clearly bad.  But, as time moves on and the result of these changes becomes evident, one may learn that the “bad” change led to something good and perhaps molded the person you have become.  I am not even thinking about cancer, but about all the little things in life that disrupt a balance.  And it’s so funny, because that seems to be everyone’s goal in life – attaining “balance”.  And OH! how elusive that state of living is.  Is it even attainable at all?  I don’t actually think so.  Not that having it at as a goal is a bad thing, it’s just unlikely you will ever have a moment where you can boldly declare to the world, “I AM SO FREAKIN’ BALANCED!!!!”

bal·ance
ˈbaləns/
noun
1. an even distribution of weight enabling someone or something to remain upright and steady

And boy do we have a lot of weight to try to evenly distribute!  We don’t have to eliminate every stress, fear, activity, joy, goal, regret – we just have to move with them and through them.  We can get rid of what doesn’t serve us and our well-being, but we can NEVER get rid of every single balance-threatening part of our life!  C’est impossible!!!

So, this idea of “evenly distributing” makes me think that I belong at a playground.  I see myself on more of a teeter totter than trying to climb a big mountain toward balance.  Some days I’m up, some days I’m down, and sometimes I am just right in the middle.  But, being there in the middle of a teeter totter doesn’t mean I’m taking a break and relaxing in all my balanced splendor.  Achieving this state involves constant movement, strength, give and take, adjustment, and awareness.

Mama on the seesaw, and OH, the irony of my shirt…

Perhaps my little yogi mind is subconsciously leading me to accept this form of balance that I try to attain.  The constant give and take, the yin and yang, the flex and breathe.  But, even in my beloved yoga the goal is never to hold the position forever!  You flow, you move, you grow, and you take that with you into your day.  I like teeter totters!  They are fun!  I can totally do this whole “seesaw balance thing”.  I got this.  Some days up.  Some days down.  Most of the time, quite content in the middle, and working quite hard to be there.

So I never have to expect a perfect state of balance.  I can accept the imperfect state of balance.  I am upright.  I am steady.  And, frankly, it’s quite perfect. Namaste.